On why I am a Gambino Girl

I use this picture too much. I just really like the hard-lived, world-weary thing I have going on. But I'm posting it during this entry for one specific reason: the Gamino Girl bracelet.

I became obsessed with Community during the first season, obsessed with Donald Glover about a year after, and came completely late to the game by only becoming obsessed with Childish Gambino some time in early 2011. I've always been a hip-hop fan. In fact, hip-hop was the first genre I ever attached myself to; back when I was in elementary school wearing shrimp earrings and using the word "dawg" un-ironically. So it's no stretch of the imagination to believe that when I came across Gambino's mixtapes I was an immediate fan. But as I got deeper and deeper into his discography, and especially once he released 'Camp', I realized just how much I love Gambino. I could listen to the same songs over and over again and never get tired of them. It's only recently that I'm realizing why I took to Gambino's music so fiercely. He is the first artist (and I mean all genres of music) that I've felt I can genuinely relate to.

I can hear people rolling their eyes at me. Allow me to elaborate. In some of his older stuff (but particularly on Camp) he talks a lot about growing up in the ghetto but never feeling like he fit in. He talks about being at odds with "black culture" and "rap culture" but the separation being unintentional. Family members resent him and his family for the success he has achieved. In "Outside" he talks about a cousin who he used to be really close to but the bond has faded and that is in part due to not only the functionality of his own family but his success in Hollywood. These are the things I can relate to.

The majority of my extended family is poor. Both of my parents grew up below the poverty level and worked their way out so that when I was growing up I was able to go to private school and have nice things. My family members resented me for it. Not all of them, but particularly my dad's side of the family. I felt out of place. I felt guilty for the money we had. (We were middle class, not exactly rich but when most of your family is on welfare it's a pretty big separation). The majority of the friends (read: all) I made were also poor. This was a trend that continued through high school. I didn't intentionally seek out friends who didn't have money, it just kind of ended up that way. I was "ghetto". I had friends in "gangs". I used to spend weekends with my best friend in middle school who lived in the courts, rather than at my own house. My own brother was in a gang. Our house got shot up when I was in first grade.

Now that I'm older I still don't really know what to make of all of it. I grew up in a "ghetto" part of San Antonio, but now I live in pretty much the country. I'm at odds with Mexican culture here in San Antonio (because the Mexican culture here is not Mexican culture in general). I feel a part of it but also I feel like an outsider. Like I don't really belong anywhere. I feel like this is part of what Childish Gambino talks about. He isn't "black" enough, but he's still too "black" to be part of any other culture. It's like that.

And that about sums it up for me.  "Outside" says it pretty well.